is this easter sunday. I would be happy except its her 4th wedding and she only knew the guy for a year n a couple of months.

While my boyfriend and I have been together for twice the amount of time. I dont see my moms marriage lasting too long. She always fucks it up one way or another. People are just wasting their time and money on something that isn’t going to last “til death do they part”.

At least I get some free shoes. :D   I’m the bridesmaid. Woo !

Another thing that bothers me is tht my best friend n his girl are moving in and they haven’t even been together for a year. Technically, they havent been together for 6 months. They started dating when my friend was on leave from the army for 2 weeks n he finnally came home in Feburary. So … at the most they’ve been together for 4 months at the most. But my friend is very stubborn and he dosen’t relize that he’s in grave danger of losing this girl just b/c he’s so stubborn and he’s too stubborn to see it.

I just want my boyfriend and I to start our life together. He’s already my everything. I can’t invision my life without him. But why do people that arn’t going to last get to get married and move in together? It’s not fair !!!!

worth of pain and suffering is really all I could remember … until now.

I finally found a way to describe it. I was the field mouse and he was the ferocious cat. He kept me alive just to torture me, because he thought it was fun. Apparently me silently screaming “NO !” in his ear, in between sobs, giving him an adrenaline rush, a rush that would fade until I learned to fight back. I would lay there silently as the man I considered my father, my daddy, (step father) touched me in places I haven’t learned about yet.

Was my mother not enough for his liking? Did she really suck that much at sex for him to come after me (a then 12 yr old)? Was I the only reason he wanted to marry my mother was because one day he could touch me inappropriately and knew he could get away with it ?

He knew I wouldn’t tell a living soul of what he was doing to me. Not because he threatened the life of my mom and brother, he knew because he made most of the money and it was his idea to move to Ohio.

OMFG !!!!

He planed it. It all makes sense. He takes us to Ohio where we know no one but his family, took my brother and I away from everything we knew and loved, just to try to be (with a lack of a better word) intimate … with me.

I HATE him. Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for it. He killed my confidence, my self – esteem, and eventually myself (in the psychological sense). It was right in the smack middle of puberty too. Great. No wonder I’m so messed up now. He taught me … the way no girl should ever be taught …. he taught me that no meant yes, at least to the opposite sex (which isn’t the case !!). Let’s leave it at that.

Even after months of therapy (which helped with everything) I still find myself needy, restless, and

angry. I hate being by myself. It brings everything back. I can’t help it, it’s automatic now. That’s why I get so hurt when the love of my life wants to go home. I hate being without him. I can be in a room full of family and friends, but I wouldn’t enjoy it if he wasn’t at my side.

He keeps the dreadful thoughts away, like an angel. He wonders why I can’t stand to be without him, now you know boo. So do I.

I can’t believe I didn’t see this before !!! I’ve been so blind and naïve, only thinking about revenge, I didn’t see the freaking pattern that was there the entire time !!! URG !!!!! I’m so angry with myself for not seeing it sooner !!!!!!!!!!!

I just wanted to get that out of my mind and tell some one. I’m defiantly going to be more observant from now on.

Just so you know one in four girls get molested or raped. I happen to be the one.

- Cupcake

Another year full of drama, dissapointment, love, anger, frustration, education, slavery, and suprises.

That’s the typical year for me. Only this year will hopefully be different, but I do not believe that my hopes will become a reality. They never do.

I sit in my room, of someone elses’ apartment, contemplating of the future, making hypertheticals in my mind, hopeing that some how, some way, they will come true. I am reminded of fairy tales as I make such outlandish ideas, thoughts in my mind. Of course they will never come true. I will never live the life I want. I will never have the things I dream about. I will never see the coast of a foreign land, visit a beautiful castle, or write an award-winning novel. I can’t do any of those things. I’m not even sure if I can get a job as a Psychologist after I finish my degree(s). Here I sit, an 18 year old girl, child, hoping that her future can be as bright as her mind seems to be (sometimes !). I know the odds are out of my favor, and I know I must accept defeat.

What is out there for a low middle class girl, whom has been through more drama than Britney Spears ? What do I have to look forward to when the country is in a recession? What is going to get better, without it getting worse?

The one good, GREAT thing I have is my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 2 years and it’s been absolutly wonderful. I am afraid of never being able to marry him. He’s my everything and I believe in my heart that he’s not truley mine until he says his vows in front of all of our family and friends. I want his grandma to be able to attend the wedding (she’s now 82). I’m afraid of her not being able to see us when we finally do wed. I already consider my grandma and I love her very much. I’m just afraid that we don’t have enough time that my boyfriend wants.

He wants us to live together first, then see how things go from there. I don’t know if I can wait, when I’m living with a couple that has 2 kids and a third due in 17 days. I know it’s more responsible to wait, but I’m not sure how much time we actually have with his grandma.  I seriously can’t picture the wedding without her.

The thing about these urges and fantisies, is that they come and go. They’re never a perminant thing. So while I’m depressed and contemplative tonight, I’m sure I’ll be happy and content tomorro.

That’s just the way things go.

- Cupcake

by Edgar Allen Poe

It was many and many a year ago,

In a kingdom by the sea,

That a maiden there lived whom you may know

By the name of Annabel Lee; -

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,

In this kingdom by the sea;

But we loved with a love that was more than love -

I and my Annabel Lee -

With a love that the wingéd seraphs in Heaven

Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,

In this kingdom by the sea,

A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling

My beautiful Annabel Lee;

So that her high-born kinsmen came

And bore her away from me,

To shut her up in a sepulchre,

In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,

Went envying her and me -

Yes! - that was the reason (as all men know,

In this kingdom by the sea)

That the wind came out of the cloud by night,

Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love

Of those who were older than we -

Of many far wiser than we -

And neither the angels in Heaven above,

Nor the demons down under the sea,

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee: -

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee: -

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side

Of my darling - my darling - my life and my bride,

In her sepulchre there by the sea -

In her tomb by the sounding sea.

*********************************************************

I dont know why but this poem really opened my eyes. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always wanted to live in a kingdom or a castle, or if the imagery was so vivid. This poem has me wanting to go swimming in the sea in winter, just to feel alive.

… Is that normal?

so I moved back to my home city and I’m sooo0o much closer to all of my friends, school, the mall, hell I’m even a BLOCK away from my boyfriend, yet …. no one wants to just hang out of chill.

WHAT THE FUCK ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I thought I’d be happier, but I guess not.  Being with a family that has a mom and a dad, is just really uber depressing to me. I promised that I’d stay and help for when the new baby is born, and I don’t break promises.

I never really had a dad, so… yeah. I do have a biological dad but I only saw him once and that was a decade ago and my now ex step dad … he just needs to die. My mom’s boyfriend is never really around, being a semi truck driver n all …. so yeah.

I live a block away and all of a sudden my boyfriend, the man who i love and cherish wants his “alone” time?! WTF?! Seriously. Yeah ur stressed out, so is the rest of the world. Get over it and spend some fucking quality time with me.

If you don’t want to be with me, at all then fucking say so !!!!!

….N00B.

-Cupcake[now figured out she will never be happy]

To the release of Wrath of the Lick King !!!!!!!

Yes, I’m talking about the newest expansion of World of Warcraft. It’s going to be so bad ass. I’m attending the midnight release of it and I’m so excited. I’m going to wear my WoW shirt that my boyfriend got me from Jinx.com

Also, I will be moving back into town very soon, and tht makes me happy. I’ll be closer to everyone n everything. I can’t wait !!!!!

As for the writing month thing …. It turns out this month is a very busy one for me. I’ve gotten a new computer, an ipod touch (Itouch for short), a new cell phone, and some new clothes.

I want to move in NOW, but i kno tht’s something I have to be patient about.

I’m falling a bit behind on my school work but I don’t have school on thursday, so that’s when I’m going to catch up on all of it.That or the weekend.

hmmmm …………….

Life is awesome right now !!!!

- Cupcake [does not want to contain her excitement]

Also known as nanowrimo, is a website that is challenging people to write a 50,000 word novel, during november.

I’ve been debating weither or not to try it. I do enjoy writing and latly I have been very bored. I did the math and I’d have to write about 1,667 words a day … which isn’t much. It’s getting behind in the writing that would be harmful.

I am a slacker, a procrastinator, and simply put … a putter off-er. I sometimes do my homework on time, if plans or stumble upon don’t get in the way.  I think this would be a great way to get over my procrastination and to see how creative my mind can truely get. I like to think that I am different, that  I put a different perspective on things, but this … this will be the real test.

Can a college freshmen write a book in only 30 days?   Can she manage to get it published?  and … Can she still have a life with school, writing this so-called “novel”, and trying to spend time with her friends?

We’ll see.

I suppose now would be a good time to admit that I worry about hypotheticals more than reality. I really can’t help it. I’m paranoid of events happing and I have no idea what to do. I hate not knowing anything either.  I’m a curious person.  I hate not knowing how to act, or what to say, or how to say it.

Am I weird? Probably.  I accepted that fact a very long time ago. I’ve been true to myself ever since.

So … as for now, to give me something to do… mainly because my thoughts aren’t very nice to me if I go into deep thinking mode about my life in general. I’m going to go brainstorm ideas about this “novel” and see if it can be done.

In the words of Heidi Klum … “Auf Wiedersehen”

-Cupcake.

I feel like a jam… a traffic jam, a printer jam, a penut butter and strawberry jam sandwich. I’m stuck where I am, and until I receive help, from someone, I’m going to be here a while.

What can I do? I can dwell in this jam, I can escape the jam … but I wont get very far. I can think.

Thinking … thoughts. Thinking of an antidote, an escape rope, another vehical…anything.

No … I have thought of everything. I need a green light, a doctor, a person that does not like jam with their peanut butter.

Will help ever come? Will I ever be rescued?

I can feel the frustration of waiting, hoping to getting pulled away- building up. I sense something. A person? Perhaps … a person that will rescue me.

No, false hope once again filled my heat with joy for a breaf moment. Just another observer,from the outside, wondering how, and why, I can feel so many things in that breif moment of time we shared.

“Doesn’t look so bad from here.” He said.

What does he know? He just saw everything from a distance. He knows nothing about what I feel inside my soul.

Does he not sense the frustration with every breath I take? Does he not see the sadness in my eyes? Does he not see how uncomfortable, how unloved I feel, every time I have to do this?

Of course not. No one does. He could care less. He’s not concerned with my traffic jam, my printer jam, or my peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich.

“It’s your problem.” he said.

No help, once again … from an on-looker that’s trying to understand.

He needs to realize that he can’t fully understand until he has been through it himself.

So, until then mister, go on with your happy life, until one day you need help, and Karma does not help you. Because, because, Mister stranger, you did not help me when you could.

Right now, karma is the only thing I can give to you, mister stranger. You refused it, without a second thought.

That Karma will hurt you in the end mister… Just because, just because, you couldn’t try to fully understand.

yep, im bored.

Im bored with :

-life

-room

-school

- and hair.

Sadly, I cannot have a job, or hang with my freinds very often. For school takes up some time and the city bus takes up most of my time.  I get so bored on the bus that I now fall asleep on it - which is very dangerous, but w/e I’m a big girl.

My room is this pale pink color and it’s just … there. I want to paint my room and draw on walls and other stuff, I need a change !

School - pssh. Classes are ok, they get repetitive tho. My friends … well… they’re are my friends, just not very close friends. They know my name and basic info but tht’s bout it. As for my so-called other friends … lets just not get into that shall we?

My hair has been the same color for about a year. EWW !!!  I need to dye it or something. Once again, I need change.

Speaking of change … Vote OBAMA !

that is all

- cupcake.

Believe me, as of lately I have several. But I did notice something. That all my problems are a result from being unhappy with myself. That’s where everything starts. With yourself (or in my case, myself).  I happen to be one of millions of girls wondering why I don’t look like [insert name here] or why I can’t afford brand names, or why I think my life is the worst b/c it never goes the way that I want it to.

It all starts with making myself think that I’m suffering. Technically, yeah I am …  I take the city bus for about 2-3 hours just to get to school n another 2-3 hours to get home. That’s 6 hours of my day gone. I have enough time to do my homework, eat dinner n check my email before I start the day over.

On top of tht I have ppl telling me to get a job, even though I can’t due to the city bus thing and attending class.

So, people who said tht can go to hell b/c they have no idea what’s it like.

Lately though people have been telling me how much of a better person tht i’ll become because I’ve been deprived n whatnot.

I’ve also been losing hope and feeling uber depressed b/c I dont want to live in this communiter town, I don’t want to take the bus for 3 hours, and I certainly want to be able to see my friends more.  A certain someone keeps telling me that karma is on my side and that i have to be patient, and good things will soon follow.

Patient I am not. But w/e. All I can do is just wait. It’s not like I can have a time machine or change people’s free wills.

Back on point. Everything that’s bothering me now is because I’m letting it. I’m letting the media say “if your not supermodel skinny, then your fat.” Which I’m not. I’d rather be a fat old hag than a fake wannabe barbie.  I’m letting people get to me by allowing them to say negative things about me, my life, and my family. My life has always been negative. I can’t decide one day to get rid of all the evils in my life, that’s just impossible.

I’ve came to a conclusion. I’m going to become more self-centered. My logic behind this is that other self-centered people are happy and only care about theirself and don’t listen to anyone else. So, I figured I’d try this out around the people that make me feel inferrior, bad, ugly, what ever negative mood I’m feeling n be like. “hey. I’m awesome. I’ve done some pretty cool shit, let me tell u what …”

I dont see it going very well though b/c i’m a caring person but if this will make me a more positive, happy person then it all can’t be bad … can it?

- Cupcake [just tying to find the balance in life]